The Problem with "Shoulds"

Telling ourselves that we should do something can motivate us to do things we may not enjoy doing but that we know are good for us. For example, “I should walk more.” “I should watch less TV.” “I should eat better.” “I should not yell at my kids.” And the list goes on and on. Unfortunately, shoulds often end up making us feel guilty when we don't do what we said we should do, because they are rigid and suggest we failed. This guilt tends to have an opposite effect on behavior change. When we feel guilty in our mind (and body), we tend to avoid things so that we don’t have these feelings. Avoiding works in the short-term, but usually does not work in the long-term and often takes us further and further away from what we truly want. For example, if I tell myself that I am not really “dieting”/watching what I eat right now, then I am not guilty when I eat a lot of sweets. I am effectively avoiding guilt but am I really benefitting myself if taking care of my body is truly what I want in life? If I do this for an extended period of time, it is bound to have a negative impact on my physical health. In comes more guilt and negative feelings about myself and the cycle continues.

You may wonder, then how do I stay motivated without shoulds and guilt complicating things?

The first step is awareness. Become more aware of what your mind is saying to you. If you are feeling guilty, that is the perfect time to pause and notice your thoughts. Once you find the “shoulds” (and you will), you can learn to unhook from these pushy, unhelpful thoughts.

A way to soften your shoulds goes back to a CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy) method. Instead of should, say “I wish”, “I would like”, or “Next time, I will try to...” This stops us from feeling like a failure for not doing something and gives us space to learn and grow from mistakes. This immediately lets go of guilt and helps ratchet down all the negative emotions that comes with the should statement.

With these methods, this sort of self-talk...“I shouldn’t have eaten 2 pieces of cake. Why am I so weak? I’ll never lose this weight! I give up.” Becomes this sort of self-coaching… “Wait a minute, I am feeling guilty. What is my mind saying? I didn’t plan to eat a second piece of chocolate cake. Next time, I’ll make sure not to buy it so that I am not tempted.”

It is not totally letting us off the hook and saying “it’s ok, eat whatever you want”, it is saying, “this is not over, keep trying.” This type of relationship with our mind/thinking is more forgiving and keeps us working towards values instead of ignoring them because they make us feel bad about ourselves. Become a positive coach for yourself and you’ll be amazed at what you can actually do with a few mind tweaks.